Wrecking Ball
by wolvesjr34
Summary: Pure ANGST. Definitely OOC - Jane betrays Maura and this is an exploration of what may happen after such moment. Rizzoli and Isles belong to Tess Gerritson and TNT. I just brought them out to play for an angst driven lesson in the breaking of hearts.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: If you want happy, turn back now. This is pure unadulterated angst. This was an exercise in breaking hearts, so if you don't like that sorta thing, turn back now please.**

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She was crushed; she'd have likened it to dying, but she knew that the feeling constricting her chest was only going to get worse. Because no matter how bad she felt now, she still had to come clean and it wasn't going to miraculously get better after she told either. Her heart yearned for the chance to turn back time and undo her mistake, but life didn't work that way and she knew it.

Two months ago Detective Jane Rizzoli had everything going for her; she was on track to make Sergeant, she had moved in with the love of her life Doctor Maura Isles, and she was on the verge of proposing to the aforementioned woman. Life couldn't have been more perfect than if she had scripted it herself.

She should have known then that the universe had something else up its sleeve; something much more insidious, even if she only had herself to blame. She had said yes to the undercover operation, she had chosen to partake in sporadic drug use to keep her cover and she had up and walked out on the operation two months in because of the biggest mistake of her life. As a result of her actions, everything she had worked for was under threat and she had no choice but to tell the truth. The soul destroying truth; she could only hope Maura would forgive her.

Jane had been wandering the chilly streets of Boston for hours, having just upped and walked out of the safe house she shared with Detective Ruiz from narcotics. Her intention was to go home and seek the warmth and tenderness of her beloved, but she had instead found herself wandering aimlessly as the gravity of that evening's events weighed her down.

With hands tucked into the pockets of the flimsy light jacket, which offered very little warmth, she had marched on. The early hours of the morning and the dark had subsided and she had found herself outside the steps of BPD. She had failed to check in with her handler earlier that morning, and she knew breaking cover was going to cause her being reamed over the coals; in fact she may have even compromised Ruiz's cover too, but she could care less about that man.

Instead she marched inside the building with head held high and spoke with Jenkins at the front desk before being cleared to head into the bowels of the building. She slipped into the elevator and headed for the morgue; even though she knew nothing would be the same after this she couldn't stop the magnetic pull urging her to seek comfort in the arms of her beloved.

She found her. Or rather Maura had found her with a surprised gasp and a sudden impulsive brazen hug. Arms tightened around the detective's waist as the demure doctor spoke with concern, "What are you doing here Jane? Martinez has been going out of his mind. When you didn't check in…" her voice trailed off as she realised the rigidity of the woman beneath her. There were no arms pulling her tightly into the embrace, they just remained limp at the detective's side.

Jane gently nudged Maura out of the hall and into her office, closing the door and the blinds behind them. Everything was happening on automatic for the detective as she struggled to regulate her breathing. Being there in front of the woman she loved so deeply only hastened the loss of control she was feeling. The was a pervasive numbness that had started clawing its way into her, perhaps in an effort to protect her from what had to come next. She opened her mouth to speak, but she realised she had no words in this moment; how could she dare speak of the betrayal? She slumped down on the couch and closed her eyes. She couldn't bare to see the clear concern staring back at her from behind hazel eyes; she was unworthy.

"Jane?" the questioning tone pulled at heartstrings and caused the detective to blink away the far away look that she knew must have been in her eyes once she opened them. "Jane, you're scaring me."

"Maura," she could barely choke the most precious word from her mouth. She closed her eyes again; her brain didn't, couldn't or perhaps wouldn't cooperate.

It was a mistake going there, she knew that now. She should have stayed with Ruiz, completed her duty and maybe if she had been incredibly unlucky died when things went horribly wrong. She sighed, her hands clenching into fists as she realised that part of her longed for the worst possible outcome of any undercover operation. She longed for death. That had to be easier than what she had to face now.

"Jane? Look at me," Maura's voice was more clinical now, falling back on her medical training; eyes searching, studying every miniscule twitch on the detective's face. She reached out a hand to tenderly stroke the cool cheek of the woman in front of her, trying to bring her back into focus. "Talk to me."

Dark eyes hardened as she opened them and stared into the soft concern of hazel peering so lovingly at her. She brushed the hand away from her cheek; she didn't deserve such reverence from her beloved. "Don't," the word fell out of her lips harsher than she had intended, and the numbness that had surrounded her was not enough to stop the stabbing guilt in her gut at the way her love recoiled at the tone. One thought kept insinuating its way into her brain; _God, what have I done?_

"I should call Martinez; let him know you're here." Maura was at a loss; Jane appeared physically fine, but whatever was haunting her psyche clearly didn't want to be revealed in her presence.

"Please don't." Jane's plea barely escaped her lips in a whisper, but it was enough to cause Maura to sit down next to her and place a comforting hand on her knee. She only allowed the contact because the coarseness of her jeans kept the soft flesh away from her own. She didn't deserve such comforts. "We need to talk."

Maura stiffened upon hearing those words and withdrew her hand from its resting spot on Jane's knee. She might often times be clueless socially, but she knew in that moment that something was really wrong and the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach was overwhelming. She swallowed hard and focused on her hands, which she had buried in her own lap. She couldn't bare to look at Jane, so clearly broken; too many scenarios whirled through her head. "About?" She asked meekly.

"The promise I made you." Her heart and head were at war with one another; as was the best friend part of her and the lover part of her. The best friend demanded that she tell Maura the truth, while the lover kept suggesting that it would be okay, that nobody would ever know and there was no need to throw away the most significant relationship she had ever had in her life.

"Which one, Jane?" The truth was that she already knew, it may have been technically a guess and she never did like to make assumptions, but the evidence spoke for itself. The emptiness in Jane's eyes and the reluctance to be touched; no doubt she knew exactly which promise.

 _"_ _Promise me Jane, promise me that no matter what happens, if you feel like this isn't working for you that you will tell me. I love you so much Jane, but I would rather not have this side of things than lose you altogether. I need you in my life. Promise me you will tell me if this is too much?"_

 _"_ _I promise you Maura that I will be upfront with you always, especially if I feel that this is too much for me to handle." Jane leaned in and sealed the promise with a searing kiss. "I promise you will never lose me, I'll always be your friend no matter what happens."_

"It's too much." Jane blinked back tears that threatened to fall; she didn't have a right to cry over this. She had made a mistake and now she only had one choice, to run. She couldn't bring herself to tell Maura the truth, to see the disappointment and heartbreak in her eyes. Heartbreak alone was enough.

"And what of the second promise you made to me that night Jane?" It was all she could do not to burst into tears right in front of the detective; however she felt she had no choice but to take this calmly and not make it harder on Jane. Their friendship was at stake and she had meant it when she had said she needed Jane in her life one way or another. Life without Jane and by default the rest of the Rizzolis would leave her back at square one, alone; with the bitter aftertaste of knowing what it felt like to not be alone.

"I'll always be here when you need me." She stood up and walked to the door, "I better check in with Martinez." She was abandoning Maura there to process on her own and she knew it; but she knew if she stayed, there would be questions and she didn't know if she could bring herself to lie again.

"Why?" The question was meekly spoken at first, but then Maura found her voice. "Why walk out in the middle of an undercover operation to break up with me?" The cogs in the doctor's brain had finally whirred into assessment and the assessment made it clear that this was not normal Detective Jane Rizzoli behaviour; there was something more that she wasn't being told.

Jane braced herself against the closed door as the question had sapped all strength from her knees. She couldn't stand on her own; she couldn't turn to face the inquisition either and her eyes were betraying her with the bitter sting of hot tears. "You don't want to know." She rasped deeply, the emotion choking in her throat.

"I deserve the truth."

Jane laughed bitterly and straightened herself out, gripped the handle of the door and opened it. "You deserve better than me." She said sadly, having paused to look Maura in the eyes, before pulling the door closed behind her and walking away. Now this, this is what dying felt like.

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 **A/N: No I didn't clarify the mistake, although I would hope we would have a fair inkling; and yes its so far OOC... I just cannot fathom either of these ladies doing anything like this to the other, but I wanted to try and thus this was born. A second chapter will be written to conclude this story. Please be kind or constructive - you were fairly warned about what this story was.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Still angsty as all heck, not for the fluff lovers.**

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Suspended without freakin' pay. Not only had she been reamed over the coals, she had been picked apart, grilled and tossed out with the trash. There would be an investigation, they said. What more could she tell them? She walked out on the job; left Ruiz in a potentially dangerous position alone. She was done. Her career was over; even if she didn't get fired, because she sure as hell wasn't telling them what she had done.

Jane stood in the master bathroom of her home, well Maura's home really, staring at herself in the mirror. She couldn't remember feeling this broken after Hoyt; this was so much less and yet so much more. She remembered the roaming hands and closed her eyes, trying to focus on anything other than those roaming hands and what had followed. She pictured Maura. She sighed heavily, two things she needed to forget now.

Then she remembered the two lines of coke she had snorted the night before and she lashed out viciously, her fist crunching into the mirror, shattering it into pieces. "Congratulations Rizzoli, you just self destructed epically." She growled at the splintered reflection staring back at her, self loathing had well and truly kicked up to the level of expert.

Done for the time being with the pointless stare down of her own defeated features she stomped into the bedroom and pulled a duffel bag from the closet and started filling it with clothes. She didn't want to be there when Maura returned home; she felt she owed the woman her space, that and she was absolutely terrified of facing an inquisition. Maura was capable of being quite relentless when she knew something was wrong; a lot like a dog with a bone really.

She marched downstairs and everything fell into place in slow motion; the really awkward movie scene kind of place. Maura walked in the front door just as Jane's mother walked in the side door and Jane was standing duffel in hand, head on a swivel at the sound of each door opening. Stealthy escape mission status: failure.

"Jane?" Both women had spoken simultaneously although their tones differed greatly. Angela's was one of confusion and Maura's a mixture of sadness and disappointment. Both sets of eyes firmly planted on the bag in her hand.

She dropped the bag, as if no longer holding it would make it seem less offensive. Of course it didn't work; her mother was in her face now, searching for answers and gesticulating wildly as words seemed to fail her. Jane sighed, thankful for small miracles. "Not now, Ma."

The Rizzoli family matriarch was about to argue the point when her eyes fell on the defeated looking medical examiner. Suddenly realising she had walked in her daughter walking out on the woman she loved she closed her mouth. She shot Maura a sincere apologetic look and in that same moment shot daggers at her daughter.

The fact was she knew these two women were made for one another, and if her daughter was walking away, she was running. And as much as Angela loved her daughter, she couldn't help but feel like Jane was acting just like Frank and it broke her heart a little. "Don't be like your father Janie," she whispered harshly, "Talk to her."

And just like that Angela was gone and Jane wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole. She slumped down against the kitchen island, pulled her knees up into her chest and sobbed. "I can't do this." She whispered over and over until she felt a hand on her shoulder and a body slide down next to her. Blinking away tears she turned to look at Maura, "I don't deserve you."

Maura offered a sad smile, "I do believe that is something only I can decide."

"You're not gonna let me walk out of here without an explanation, are you?" Jane asked with resignation lacing her voice; it was more than that, she knew she had to be honest. Keeping the secret from Maura would only destroy any possible shot at friendship they might have.

"I'm not letting you walk out period, Jane. Korsak told me about your suspension. What happened with Ruiz?" The hours that had ticked by painfully until lunch, when she could finally take it no more and had to come home in search of Jane, had been some of the hardest of her life. Countless scenarios had flashed through her mind, and yet she just couldn't picture Jane having done anything so bad as to retreat from their relationship. This stressed her more, because she knew Jane had done something to jeopardise her career the way she had and it scared her that she may just hear some things she never imagined she would hear from her beloved.

Realising that Jane had withdrawn back into her shell she tried to soothe, "Talk to me as your best friend Jane, not the woman you're in love with."

Jane dragged her eyes from her knees and over to the calm exterior of her beloved. She really needed her best friend in this moment, but they had complicated things by becoming involved with one another. If she had done this to anyone else she would have been talking to Maura about it from the get go; maybe even just called her straight from the safe house, and not walked out on her mission. But this was Maura; this was her Maura and no matter what way she spun it, she had betrayed her. _God Rizzoli, if anybody deserves the truth it's Maura, stop being a pussy._

Maura slid her hand down Jane's shoulder and brought it to rest on her forearm. "As your best friend, you can tell me anything."

Jane sighed and said semi seriously, "As your best friend I hate to inform you, but your girlfriend is an asshole." She chuckled a little as she felt some tension release; this was going to go so horribly wrong but sometimes the truth was all she could fall back on.

Maura frowned, unhappy with the poor attempt at humour and language used. "Jane," she growled in warning.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, "But it's true." She could see the exasperation in furrowed brows and narrowed eyes peering back at her. Sucking in a deep breath she said, "I was intimate with Ruiz." _Geez Rizzoli, you know what Maura is like; could you have been more ambiguous?_

"Well of course Jane, you were undercover as a couple. We already discussed this before you accepted the role." Maura responded almost automatically before realisation hit her. She couldn't be sure if it was her brain catching up or the wince she saw on Jane's face that brought the reality crashing home. "Oh."

"See, I'm an asshole Maura." Jane went to stand up, but the hand on her forearm tightened and held her down. Reluctantly she stayed where she was averting her gaze back to her knees; she was too scared to look at the woman she loved. For that matter the silence between them had been dragging on and she wondered what on earth was going through that precious mind; but still she didn't dare make eye contact.

"Circumstances?" Maura found it difficult to formulate an entire sentence. It was taking all her strength not to break down crying. Her heart ached and her head just wanted to make sense of the revelation. She had to understand why before she could process how she felt.

Jane swallowed down the emotion in her throat and looked up into eyes that couldn't hide their disappointment. "Don't try and understand this Maura; I screwed up badly. I don't even know why I did it." But she wished she did, she wished there was some reason, any reason to justify the cruelty of her actions. "I was high," she offered up lamely. It wasn't a good enough reason in her book; there was no justification for hurting Maura. None.

"This happened last night? You were high? On what?" She had plastered her face with her professional cool exterior, but she knew her eyes more than conveyed the emotional turmoil raging within. It was taking everything she had not to let Jane get up and walk out of her life; because there was a very strong inclination to let her do just that.

"Had to snort some coke to maintain cover, and yeah, last night. But it doesn't excuse my actions Maura; what I did…" her voice trailed off as she witnessed the inevitable tears start falling down the doctor's cheeks. "God Maur, please don't cry." She hated herself so much in that moment.

"You," Maura started, but stopped. She was so angry, she could feel a rage building that she had never thought possible to be directed at Jane; but worse than that she was scared, scared that she would wind up alone. She couldn't stand the sight of the woman sitting next to her; her best friend; her lover; her betrayer. "You…" she sighed, she was just too angry.

"Say something, anything." Jane begged, suddenly very afraid of the lack of words spewing from Maura's mouth. She had expected angry hurt words, this silence, this self editing, it was too much. "Yell at me, please?"

"No." Maura's hand dropped from Jane's forearm and she closed her eyes, taking a moment to centre her thoughts. "I am not having this discussion right now. I do not want to say something I will regret." And that really was all she had to say on the matter. She climbed to her feet and left Jane sitting there staring after her as she walked away upstairs to barricade herself in their bedroom.

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 **A/N: So it turns out that I feel I need a third chapter. I love writing angst, and I won't apologise for that. The muse comes to me in strange ways, and I must balance the fluff I have been writing lately with this angsty exploration of Jane failing Maura.**

 **Also to the guest who suggested I am always making Jane the bad guy, I am pretty sure for the majority of my trilogy, most people were more miffed with Maura... and there is just this simple fact for me; Jane is easier to write. Also if I did this story in reverse it would go like this:**

 **Maura cheats. Maura tells Jane. Jane sends Maura packing. The End.**

 **Maura's inherent loneliness leaves more room to move, than Jane's pride. Simple fact.**


	3. Chapter 3

Jane was at a loss for what to do. In her head best friend Jane and girlfriend Jane were squared off in a bloody battle of wills. _Go to her. No give her space. Just leave, she deserves better. You risked your career to come to her and tell the truth; don't give up now. You lied and tried to take the easy way out. You were just trying to protect her._ The only thing best friend and girlfriend agreed on, was that they both loved Maura very much. Her entire being was united on one front; so why the hell had she thrown it all away?

"I messed up bad Ma." The words had stumbled ineloquently out of her mouth when her mother opened the guest house's door. Maura had locked her out of the bedroom and while running seemed like such a brilliant idea, she had realised she couldn't do that to Maura. So she did the only other thing she could do to prevent herself from going completely insane; and yes she saw the irony in going to the one person who drove her nuts on a daily basis to save her sanity.

Angela pulled her daughter into a suffocating hug and nudged the door shut behind them. Her heart broke as she felt the heaving of Jane's chest as she sobbed into her shoulder. She didn't have a clue what was going on outside of what she had witnessed earlier or why her daughter was back so soon, but she knew her daughter needed her and that was all that mattered. She gently steered Jane over towards the couch and sat down next to her, resting a supportive hand on her knee. "Talk to me Jane; tell me what's going on."

"Do you really think I'm like Pop?" Jane spoke so quietly that her mother almost hadn't heard the question.

Angela studied her daughter's hang dog look quizzically. The question had surprised her and it took her a moment to answer, "I think that you have a little of him in you Janie, but all the good stuff. You're a good woman Jane; whatever is going on with Maura I know you can fix it. She loves you."

"I dunno if I can fix it Ma. I dunno if I deserve that chance." The younger Rizzoli sought out her feet as a good focus point because she couldn't bring herself to look up at what she knew would have been a loving face. She felt small, as if she was four years old and about to be caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "I got the jerk in Pop too."

"Be direct Jane. I'm not a mind reader."

Jane almost scoffed at this, but held back the inclination. She looked up at her mother, dark eyes serious. "I cheated on Maura."

Instinctively Angela reached out and clipped the back of Jane's head hard and then she attempted to put her thoughts into words. Unfortunately all she managed was some unflattering opening and closing of her mouth. Finally she whispered, "Jane, does she know?" The matriarch took her daughter's inability to meet her steely gaze head-on as all the admission she needed.

An uncomfortable silence settled around the two women as Jane finally had the courage to look up into her mother's eyes. She cringed and looked away quickly when she recognised the disappointment in them. More than anything though, she was surprised that her mother wasn't yelling at her; she had half hoped that maybe she would get the admonishment she sought. It hadn't happened and it dawned on Jane that the disappointment in both women outweighed their initial anger. The anger was going to have time to simmer away under the surface before exploding forth. She sighed. "What am I gonna do, Ma?"

Angela loved her daughter and would continue to love her regardless of her foolish actions, but she loved Maura too. Maura had become part of the family and the matriarch honestly didn't think she knew a kinder person than the medical examiner. So as much as it pained her to not be the complete support her daughter may have needed she said, "You do whatever Maura wants you to do; even if that means you lose her."

"What if she kicks me out, Ma? Are you gonna disown me?" There was a level of fragility in her voice that her mother had never witnessed before.

"Never Jane; but we won't be abandoning Maura either." Her tone was stern; she wanted it to be very clear to her daughter that whatever happened there on out, Maura was a part of the family and would remain that way.

Jane nodded slowly; she was proud to be her mother's daughter. Even if Maura never wanted anything to do with her again she wouldn't lose her surrogate family because of it. "I love you Ma, you know that? I know I've screwed up but I'm proud of you for not blindly supporting me in this. She needs you, probably more than I do."

"I love you too Jane; but you should get back in there and wait it out. She loves you a lot, and maybe she'll understand your actions a bit better than I can; because I don't understand them at all. I know you wanted to marry her; did that change?"

Jane shook her head vehemently, "God no. I want to spend the rest of my life with her; I dunno why I messed up the way I did. It's doin' my head in to be honest."

"I don't know what else to say, it's all in her court now."

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After Maura locked the door behind her she slid down the door until she was sitting on the floor. She kicked her heels off and dragged her knees into her chest and buried her face in her arms, which folded over her knees. She tried not to cry, but with the waterworks having already opened before she had stormed upstairs, she failed miserably. Sobs wracked her body as her chest physically ached from the emotional pain that lashed at her senses.

Jane was meant to be her safe place; she was meant to be different to all the others that had come and gone. Every significant person in her life had abandoned her in one way or another except for Jane; until now. She tried to look at the situation logically; she tried so hard to channel the scientist within that could drag all the statistics on drug use and the impairment of decision making, but it just didn't work. Because no matter what science might tell her about lowered inhibitions, on some level Jane still wanted to cheat in that moment that she had, otherwise cocaine use or not, she wouldn't have.

 _Cocaine blocks norepinephrine, serotonin, dopamine, and other neurotransmitters from being reabsorbed. The resulting chemical build up between nerves causes euphoria._ The basic cause and effect of Cocaine bounced around in her brain, but regardless of the part of her thankful that Jane hadn't suffered negative physical side effects like arrhythmia or stroke, she couldn't reign in her own emotional response to the afternoon's revelation. _Cocaine is not the aphrodisiac that common misconception indicates; in fact it can impair sexual function._ The science wasn't overly comforting in reality.

 _Science isn't working, so look at it emotionally. Don't be so afraid to feel._ She scolded herself and tried to focus on the emotions of the situation. The fact was that emotionally Jane had been in a space of great upheaval and grief when she had come to Maura about the undercover assignment. _You told her then that you didn't think it was a good idea. She should have listened to you; clearly she has run from one set of emotions right into a heightened situation, which has led to poor decision making._

Maura sighed, wiped the tears from her face and climbed to her feet. She needed to relax and try to find her inner Doctor Isles calmness before confronting Jane once and for all. She needed more information and she intended to get it; but first she would take a long hot bath with essential oils. Because as much as she feared being alone, she would not allow anybody to walk all over her heart again.

Jane had given her that inner strength and if that meant the end of them, then so be it. Of course there was just one other problem she had to face, that damned engagement ring she had found stuffed in Jane's drawer by accident the week before. How did she reconcile her desire to spend the rest of her life with a woman who so clearly appeared on the same wave length, with said woman doing something so uncharacteristically hurtful? Her heart ached and her head hurt. Bath and then confrontation.

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 **A/N: Okay so I think I will wrap it up in four. I have no desire to turn this into a full blown adventure... As usual I am thankful and appreciative to all who have decided to read, review, follow or favourite this little angst fic. Please be kind or constructive.**


	4. Chapter 4

"You could have died." It wasn't the conversation starter Maura had intended when she finally made her way back downstairs to find Jane on the couch watching ESPN.

Jane flicked the television off and turned her body so that she was looking over the back of the couch to where Maura stood. "I know, worked the drug unit for years, remember?"

 _Wine, you need wine for this._ Maura walked over to the fridge to pull out last night's bottle of wine. She knew she should let it breathe, but she also needed to feel the comfort of the glass in her hand. She poured a healthy sized glass and swirled it around a little, buying time as she tried to reconstruct her thoughts. She had already shifted focus once, but once again found herself returning to the topic of drug use. "You could have suffered a heart attack or stroke Jane."

Jane sighed and dragged herself from the couch and over to the kitchen island, so that she stood opposite Maura. "I had two choices Maur, maybe die or definitely die. I couldn't think of anything other than getting outta that situation so I could come home to you. After everything that happened with…" she trailed off, she didn't like thinking about their loss; her loss.

"Frost." Maura finished for her. This had been the one thing that had concerned her most about the assignment; Jane hadn't finished grieving the death of her partner before jumping into it. Neither of them had.

Jane winced at hearing the name. "Please don't."

"I've been thinking a lot about what you told me and I have been trying to piece together why you would do this to me… to us." She sighed and sipped the wine, it was a little bitter, but it would do. "I have a theory that after Frost you ran, and you're still running in spite of yourself. You ran and you left me behind to deal with the loss on my own Jane."

"He was my partner…" Jane started, only to be interrupted.

"And he was my friend. _My friend_." She put her wine glass down on the island and turned to look out the kitchen window, "And because you wouldn't trust me to help you through this you ran straight into a dangerous situation and then you took your self destruction to nuclear proportions."

"I do trust you Maur…" The Italian ran her hand through her hair, she was getting tense. She was trying so hard to do what her mother told her and let Maura have her say, but she didn't want to talk about Frost. She didn't want to think about him and she most certainly didn't want to feel the loss.

Maura turned back to face Jane and tilted her head curiously, she noted the puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. Jane was clearly apologetic for her actions, but the insistence there was not a reason for them was frustrating. She needed Jane to understand there was a reason, not a very good one given the support she had around her, but a reason nonetheless. "Were you high or coming down from the high when you engaged in intercourse with Ruiz?"

"Aww geez Maura, do you really want a play by play?" Jane snapped sarcastically.

Anger flashed across hazel eyes. "And what if I did? I think you owe me that!" She spat bitterly; she didn't want the intricate details of the act itself, but she did want to know what happened leading up to the act.

Gritting her teeth Jane tried to think back through the memories she clearly wanted to erase to find the answers the medical examiner wanted. "I dunno might have been on the cusp… yeah I might have been coming down from the high."

"And what were you thinking about?"

"That I nearly died. Damnit Maura, what does this matter? I fucked up; I hurt you… I hurt us."

"You hurt you." It was the only logical conclusion Maura had been able to come to. "You're allowed to be happy Jane."

Shoulders slumped; Jane felt defeated. "I hurt you."

"You were thinking about Frost, weren't you?" Maura prodded, trying desperately to get Jane to really think about what had happened.

Jane started pacing agitatedly. "Yeah okay I was. Him, you, putting myself in constant danger and the inevitability that I would end up just like him and leave you behind like he did," A fresh bout of hot bitter tears bit at her face; she stopped and faced Maura, "Are you happy now, huh?"

"The downside of cocaine use is the anxiety that can follow when the euphoria of the high subsides. Combined with your grief over Frost I think it may have spiralled your thoughts so far out of control that you just needed to feel something." Maura sighed and returned to her wine glass, understanding Jane's actions didn't make the affect on her own emotional well being any better, not really.

"What are you saying Maura? That I had some kinda breakdown?" Jane was perplexed by the overall calmness of her girlfriend, if she could still call her that, but she had to admit that some of what she was saying made sense. Emotionally she had been overwrought and her decision making had been off the charts terrible. To have cheated was one thing, but to then focus so much on what she had done to Maura to basically end her career? "I think I need to sit down."

Maura followed Jane over to the couch and sat down beside her, the hardest part was to come and she felt the latest bout of tears begin to well in her eyes. This was never how she pictured her future to be; not before Jane and especially not after her. "I don't know if that would be the best choice of description, but you most certainly reached a low point."

"Only way is up, right?" Jane quipped nervously.

"I don't know. All I know is none of this has been about me. It's all been about you and how you have chosen to deal, or as the case may be, not deal with difficult things."

Yeah she'd made a right royal mess of it, she knew this and the more she thought about it the worse she felt. There was so much wrong with everything she had done since Frost's passing. "I'm sorry. I love you Maur, you gotta believe that."

"I know and I love you too Jane, I suspect that will be the one thing that doesn't change." Maura steeled herself for what was to come next; it would be too easy to give Jane what she wanted. Too easy to forgive and fall back into the arms of the woman she loved; but she couldn't do that. It wouldn't help Jane and it wouldn't help her. Resentment would grow. She only had one choice in the matter.

Instincts in Jane were screaming at her to pay attention to what was happening. Instincts were telling her this was their defining moment. She glanced down at the soft touch of Maura's hand covering her own and back up at the tears that were now streaming freely down the doctor's face. Hazel eyes told her all she needed to know; she swallowed hard and softly shook her head. "No, please… Maura… Forgive me?"

Maura smiled sadly, forgiveness was inevitable. She loved Jane too much not to forgive her, but that didn't change reality. It didn't change the damage done to her heart, figuratively speaking. She removed the ring box from her pocket and placed it in Jane's hand before leaning in for a brief grazing of tear sodden lips. "I would have said yes, Jane."

* * *

 **A/N: The End. It's not wrapped up in a neat little bow, because... that would take a long time; plus I kinda fancy a potential sequel to this particular universe at some stage, when I have cleared some other unfinished stories first. As usual thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, reading, following, favouriting, the whole hog. I appreciate you all. As usual, be kind or be constructive. Thank you.  
**


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